"I'm, Like, So Fat"

Do you ever wonder if your teen’s body shape concerns have gone beyond the realm of “normal?”  Do you ask yourself what, if anything, you should say when your child reaches for a second huge helping of mashed potatoes?  Feel like you’re walking a tightrope in trying to help your teens adopt healthy eating and activity behaviors without making them feel worse about their weight than they already do? 

Dr. Neumark-Sztainer has taken findings from research conducted with thousands of teenagers, combined with her own experiences as a mother of four, and created a guide for parents based on four cornerstones for helping teens maintain a healthy weight and feel good about their bodies. 

The following scenarios are excerpts from Dr. Neumark-Sztainer’s book  “I’m Like, So Fat” Helping Your Teen Make Healthy Choices about Eating and Exercise in a Weight-Obsessed World and are designed to help parents think ahead about how to respond common teenage weight-related behaviors and comments.

Tessa talks a lot about not being able to control her eating and feeling too fat. She really gets down on herself and seems to work herself into a slump. What can I say to help her?

Be glad your daughter has invited you in and make yourself available to hear what's going on. Find out if the issue is really about food or weight or if there is an underlying concern: “How are things going in your life? How have you been feeling? You seem a bit down lately; is there anything you'd like to talk about? Sometimes it can help to talk things over; just know I'm here for you.” Explain that sometimes it's easier to frame our problems in terms of food and weight: “It can be easier to count calories than think about how life stinks at the moment” or “Sometimes we think having a certain body shape will solve all of our problems” or “Eating is one way to put off the bad feelings.” But also let her know these are only short-term solutions that won’t help with the real issue and can even make things worse. If the issue really is food or weight, ask your teen what's bothering her, why it's bothering her, and what she'd like to change. It's important to switch the focus from dieting to healthy weight management, regardless of your teen’s weight.

Every day this week I've come home from work to find Andy sprawled out in front of the TV with empty candy wrappers, soda pop bottles, and chip bags nearby. We're already having problems because a couple of times I snapped at him about getting off his butt and he wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the night. How can I get him to see that this is a bad way to spend the time after school?

It's probably best not to say anything when you first walk in the house because it's bound not to be anything very helpful to the situation or your relationship. Find a good time to talk, explore what’s going on in Andy’s life, and think about a plan with him. If Andy is feeling lonely or bored, show your empathy and explore some options for after-school activities that he might like to do (e.g., sports, art classes, or a part-time job). Ask what healthier snack foods Andy would like to have around the house and perhaps go to the supermarket together to buy them. If what's making you angry is having to clean up his mess, make it clear that your son needs to do that himself--just separate that conversation from one about alternatives to unhealthy snacking.

Juanita came home from school today and told me that she needs to lose some weight – like now! She’s planning to go carb-free for the next two weeks and then will start eating “healthy foods.” She needs my help in making this happen as her diet calls for things like eggs and sausage for breakfast, tuna for lunch, and either steak, fish, or chicken for dinner. She can snack on things like nuts and cold cuts in between meals. Doesn’t sound very healthy to me, but I want to be helpful. What should I do?

Find out why your daughter needs to lose weight so quickly. Did something happen? Is a special event coming up? Regardless of her weight, this is not a good plan. She'll lose weight if she can stick with it, but much of it will be water loss. She's likely to tire of the plan and more likely to progress to binge eating than to “healthy eating.” Let her know that you'd like to help her out but want to help her with healthy weight management. Talk about options for modifying her proposed plan by increasing complex carbohydrates to include some whole-wheat bread, pasta, and potatoes but decreasing simple carbohydrates such as those found in soda pop, cake, cookies, and candy. Talk also about the importance of keeping her fat intake at a reasonable level, since fat is high in calories. Explore options for getting more physically active and ask how you can be of help there. Your daughter probably needs some reassurance – be sure to sprinkle some compliments throughout your conversation regarding her appearance, her self-care habits, and her ability to make smart decisions. Don't agree to help her with this diet plan – even for a short period of time. But do know that, since she's a teenager, she may decide to go ahead with it. If so, it probably won’t last that long, but do keep tabs on the situation. If you're concerned, arrange to have her meet with a dietitian.

I love my sister, Nancy, but I'm afraid she's undoing all my hard work to make it clear that hurtful weight comments are not acceptable at home within the first hour she's here. She's always dieting, and she just doesn’t get it. Nancy often comments about other people’s weight and provides unsolicited advice to my girls about how much they’re eating or “what a difference a weight loss of only five pounds would make.” Is there a way to get through to her without starting a family feud?

As hard as it can be to talk with our teens about weight-related topics, it can be even harder to talk about these issues with family and friends. As when talking to your teen, think about the purpose of your conversation and find the right time and place to talk. When you talk, clearly spell out what you're trying to do in your house without being judgmental and enlist your relative's support. “Nancy, I’m concerned about the girls worrying too much about their weight, feeling unhappy with how they look, and developing eating problems. So, based on some advice that I read in a book recently, we’ve decided to stop talking about weight at home. It’s really hard, but I can already feel a difference. But, I need your help with this. I’m not asking you to change your eating style, but I am asking you not to talk about dieting or weight when the girls are around.”

FOUR CORNERSTONES

Do you want to learn more about the Four Cornerstones for promoting a healthy weight and postivie body image?

• Click here for a brief excerpt from Dr. Neumark-Sztainer's book that describes each of the four cornerstones in an easy-to-read table.
• Click here for a more detailed table that includes the research behind the Four Cornerstones.